Introduction: I Didn’t Sign Up For This!
In 2003, when I accepted a call to a new church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I believed I was stepping into a ministry with tremendous potential. After being there for less than a year, I found myself in a quagmire of conflict and financial turmoil. A key staff member, someone who was crucial to my effectiveness there, resigned unexpectedly. The leadership team that looked so healthy during the interview started manifesting old dysfunctions that we all hoped had been exorcised. I was angry and disappointed. Angry at the leadership team for falling apart and disappointed in myself for getting caught up in such a volatile church system. As the situation continued to unravel, and as each month presented yet another unsolvable problem, I repeatedly said to myself, “I didn’t sign up for this!”
Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I ended up in such a difficult situation. Hindsight is supposed to be twenty-twenty, but my perspective on what happened, and why, is still a bit fuzzy. I can, however, make several observations. First, I was desperate to leave the church I was working with when I interviewed with the church in Tulsa. Before I even began the interview process I knew that I would accept the job if they offered it to me. Second, there were a number of important questions I failed to address throughout the process. I either didn’t ask these questions because of inexperience or because I didn’t want to know the answer. Desperate people don’t ask questions they don’t want to know the answers to. Third, the most important questions that needed to be asked were not questions about the church, but questions about myself. Changing churches didn’t change me. I was the same guy in both places and that was part of the problem.
This is a resource for ministers thinking about moving to a new church. You may be in the early stages of sending out resumes or you may be on the verge of saying “yes” to the church of your dreams. You may be as desperate to move on to a new ministry as I was, or you may be a rookie hoping to land a job with your first church. My hope is that what follows will give you some good questions to help you discern whether or not to make a move. Most of these questions are the product of mistakes I’ve made over fourteen years of ministry. I hope you can learn as much from my mistakes as I have.
This can also be a valuable resource for search teams who are looking to call a new minister to their church. I hope this will give you an idea of what kind of questions should surface during the search process.
A Word To The Desperate And Lovesick
“They say love is blind; it is also deaf, dumb, and stupid.”
-Jaded Cynic
“The girls all get prettier at closing time.”
-Mickey Gilley
I used to hate doing premarital counseling and so did the first few couples I counseled. That’s because I didn’t understand the purpose of the exercise. I assumed the couple sitting in my office wanted my help deciding whether or not they should get married. My philosophy was that if they survived six sessions with me then they were truly meant for each other. It took me a few cycles to realize that their decision had already been made. They were in love and they were going to get married no matter what we talked about in our sessions together.
So I dropped the “bad cop” persona and shifted my approach. Instead of trying to talk them out of getting married, I adopted the more modest goal of attempting to float a few decent questions in front of their lovesick eyes, hoping they would enter their marriage with at least one realistic expectation. My questions never convinced a couple to break their engagement, but it did help a few of them entertain the possibility that marriage was not going to be a never-ending co-ed slumber party.
I’ve adopted the same approach in this book. I know how easy it is for both the church and the prospective minister to emerge from a search process with unrealistic expectations of each other. The best way to clarify expectations is to ask good questions. This doesn’t always happen because some ministers show up at the interview wanting the job so badly they subconsciously avoid the best (and hardest) questions. Some young ministers want to ask the right questions, but lack the experience to know what to ask.
You may be in love. You may be desperate. You may have already made your decision. I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. But I am hoping to sneak a few good, hard questions into the conversation so that you have a chance at making your decision with clear eyes and an open mind.
If we were having coffee and you were telling me about the new position you are about to accept, these are the questions I would ask to help you finalize your decision and clarify your expectations.
I’m Not Suspicious, I Just Don’t Trust Anyone, Including Myself
“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”
-Name Withheld for Privacy
I have a friend who has helped me sort through a lot of the junk I carry around in my head. In one conversation, I summarized an emotionally painful situation and asked for his help in making sense of it. He warned me that his tendency was to gravitate to the darkest interpretation possible, especially when addressing a situation in which self-deception was likely. He then helped me see that much of my emotional pain was the result of thinking more highly of myself than I should.
Much of what you’re about to read gravitates toward the “darkest interpretation possible” of what happens in the minister search process. Most churches deceive themselves about how healthy they are. Most ministers deceive themselves about how capable they are. Too many interviews boil down to two self-deceived parties trying to convince each other of how much they can accomplish if they work together.
While it’s vital to maintain a sense of hope that God can accomplish great things through every church and every minister, there is too much at stake to assume the best about the church you’re interviewing (and remember–you’re interviewing them just as much as they’re interviewing you). This decision will impact your finances, your family, and your faith. Avoid cynicism. Use suspicion sparingly. But for the sake of everyone involved, square up with reality and ask the tough questions about the church and yourself. You may not always like the answers, but the truth will set you free to make better decisions.
Table of Contents:
Introduction: I Didn’t Sign Up For This!
A Word to the Desperate and Lovesick
I’m Not Suspicious, I Just Don’t Trust Anyone, Including Myself
How To Read This Book
A Few Navel-Gazing Questions About Yourself
A Few Questions About The Church’s Vision
A Few Questions About the Church’s Leadership Culture
A Few Questions About Your (Un)Stated Job Description
A Few Nitty-Gritty Questions About the Church
A Few Bonus Questions for Young Preachers
So How Do You Know When You’ve Found The Right One?
It’s Not All Doom And Gloom
Conclusion: I Still Didn’t Sign Up For This!
